i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
