someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
