I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
