he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We need to get me chipped asap
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
