I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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