All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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