he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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