I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
