It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
