My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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