Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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