and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
