My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
