i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
