god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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