I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
