and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
