I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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