He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
