a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
