you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
