I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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