we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Panties = found
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
