I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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