Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
