My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
