loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
