3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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