and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
