The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Randomize
