still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am naked and annoyed.
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