we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
