Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
