finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
