so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fuck appropriateness.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
