My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
