What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
