I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
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