Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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