seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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