I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They are going to name an STD after you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
