my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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