I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
