Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
