Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize