and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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