i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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