Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
