I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
