Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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