One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
