Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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