have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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