This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
