Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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