$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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