I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
