one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
