Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
