Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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