I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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