Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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