My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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