the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
