I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
