I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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