Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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