I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
