Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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